The Reading Playlist: What Do I Call You

Source: Twitter

Happy birthday my king, my queen, my inspiration, Kim Taeyeon!

In celebration of the birthday of my inspiration, Kim Taeyeon, I decided to pick five of her songs and make a story out of it: The Reading Playlist. Consisting of five installments that will be published every Friday of March (and one in March 9), The Reading Playlist is a story of the first love and the first heartbreak of our youth.

The Reading Playlist:
Four Seasons
What Do I Call YouNow Playing
Fine
I’m The Greatest
I

Youtube | Spotify | Lyrics

What do I call you? After everything you have done, what do I call you?

My first love.

My first boyfriend.

My first kiss.

The first person who has seen something in me—the good, the bad, everything, and accepted me for who I am.

What do I call you?

The first person who broke my heart.

It took only one cycle of the changing seasons. How quick you’ve changed was just how quick the seasons passed by.

What do I call you now?

Two summers had just passed by and we no longer exchanged text messages like we once did. 

Two falls had just passed by and we no longer went together like we used to.

Two winters had just passed by and we no longer danced in the middle of the road, completely unaware of everything but us and the love we shared.

Two springs had just passed by and you were no longer there for me to see and watch. My eyes no longer met yours, and the mention of your name broke my heart.

What do I call you now?

What do I call us now?

We have now been reduced to strangers, as we were once, but now it is more than that. We are more than strangers.

Every mention of your name reminds me of your smile, of how you look at me, of the memories we made. I can already feel your presence even though you are feet away from me. Every place we’ve been to, I’m invaded by our memories and laughter and smiles.

It seemed like a dream, the memories we had. It seemed like fiction, all the things you made me feel, the things you made me think, the things you gave to me. 

What do you call me now?

Was I only a challenge? The interesting girl you decided to toy with? 

What about the things you said to me, that winter night, did you really mean them? 

Why do you seem to be less affected than I? Why am I feeling like this when you seem so cool and about, as though nothing happened. 

As though we shared nothing.

Why can’t I see you cry like I do? Why can’t I see you hating yourself like I do? Doubting myself, asking questions that had no answers. Hopelessly praying this whole world comes crashing down and I’m buried underneath just to stop these feelings and thoughts that often pry my waking mind, and even my sleep, turning my dreams into nightmares. 

But you were my world. And you are gone. And I’m now only floating, anchored to nothing.

While you, you manage to smile, to laugh, how?

How, how, how? 

What did you call us?

I was something, wasn’t I? I gave everything to you, all I know that is possible for a human emotion to give and impart to another.

Why does it feel like I didn’t? Why does it feel like I have not given it all? My all?

Was that why you left me and turned a blind eye from the mess you’ve made? Left me alone to mend and stitch up myself? 

I was not as strong as you’ve made me think. 

I was not as beautiful, was I? I was too imperfect, wasn’t I? 

What made you leave? What made you decide to leave me alone again? Alone in this foreign loneliness that gripped me in anger, fear and hopelessness, that I can’t seem to escape from.

I watched you from my seat, in the cafe that we used to go to. The drink you loved, that I have become to love, gripped tightly in between my hands. I watched you smile and laugh with your friends. 

You didn’t notice me. I didn’t know if you pretended not to notice me, but you weren’t a fool, were you? 

Can’t you see how broken I am? Didn’t you see how fragile the girl you brought out from her seclusion? Why did you bring her out only to shatter her in the end?

I don’t understand. I am confused, angry, at a loss. 

How can you do this to me? How can anyone do this to anyone, at all? How can a human decide to destroy another who had trusted them, cherished them, cared for them, so easily like a wave in the air? 

What do I call you now?

“Tristan.” 

As a budding writer, leaving a feedback or any constructive criticism would tremendously help me improve my writing. Thank you so much!

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